"The Best of Vanilla Ice": I'm pretty sure this can't exist...

Now unless this CD is a single, I dont know what to think.

Here's my best guess at what is on this cd....

Ice Ice Baby
Ice Ice Baby Techno Remix
Ice Ice Baby en Espanol
Will Shatner sings Ice Ice Baby
Ice Ice Baby Acoustic
Ice Ice Baby Live

Please leave any thoughts or concerns.

Minesweeper. Or why you should just play Freecell...

Day 1 7:30 PM:
I start a game of Minesweeper on Expert for something to do. After three games I begin to see the paterns, I understand the mechanics. More games go past and I keep hitting the mines. I need rest.
Day 2: 11:00 AM:
For 2 solid hours I am clicking the mine field, my only guide a series of multicolored numbers. I get close. I can taste victory. Then tragedy. I hit a bomb. I need a break.
Day 2: 2:53 PM:
IM SO CLOSE! I've gotten down to just ten mines twice now before making a mistake. The game is taunting me. It gives me numbers but they lie. I'm forced to just guess at where the mine might be. The pressure is getting to me.
Day 2: 11:47 PM:
Losing hope. I've yet to win a game and it's been more than a whole day of solid Minesweeping. I'm begining to think I cannot win. I will play for one more hour.
Day 3: 11:22 AM:
THE NUMBERS ARE EVERYWHERE. Last night I dreamed. Like a curse I kept losing Minesweeper game after Minesweeper game in my head. And all the while that smiley face is laughing. I made a bowl of Lucky Charms and I didn't see marshmallows and cereal. I saw mines and tiles. With nothing to do, I plan on beating this game.
Day 3: 4:24 PM:
In a brilliant 551 seconds of minesweeping intensity I have won. The last few clicks were just luck. Thankfully the laws of probability were on my side this day. Finally I've broken the curse. No longer am I a slave to that game. No longer am I a slave to those mines. And no longer am I a slave to that smiley face. No. I am the champion. I am... The Minesweeper...

Lots of pulp? No thank you...

Last night, like most nights, I was in my room with the lights off listening to my Creed mixtape. I noticed I was thirsty and went downstairs to my fridge for a nice refreshing glass of orange juice. I find orange juice is arguably the greateset kind of juice because of its smooth blend of oranges and exotic spices. However, much to my dismay, I made a horrible discovery. Across the top of the carton was written in big letters, "LOTS OF PULP". What? What kind of blasphemy is this!? I don't have time for lots of pulp! Some pulp maybe, but lots? All that means is that the last 1/8th of the glass is going to be a thick syrup of pulp. I know because i've had it before. So last night I went to bed thirsty. And from now on when I go to that fridge, I'm mocked by that orange juice carton. That's real life for me. When I wake up, its not like maybe there's pulp in that orange juice. No. There is definatly pulp in that orange juice, and there's lots of it.

IT'S OVER

Well...the children of the world cannot fill a big enough bowl with all the tears required for this news. The San Antonio Spurs have lost in game 7 of the semi finals and will not play to defend their championship title. They were defeated by another lonestar state team, the Dallas Mavericks. I cannot stress how I, among thousands, will mourn this day for days to come. Please...if you have any heart...send donations to my house in the form of treats.
Tim Duncan was unbelievable and they still lost.
THEY LOST
...well
I guess I'll favor the Miami Heat to go all the way because my brother likes them. Yippie. I mean who wants to support a team whose star player is named after petrol?

I know one thing...if the Spurs can't win the Pistons must not win either...I can't stand the Pistons...grrrrrrr grrrrrrrr gggggggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrr

(ps I know the pic is not of a spurs player but you get the idea)

and to the legions of fans who tune in to playthemix regularly, expect the usual postings about animals that wear clothes or robots in space next time

Karate Dog. Nuff' said.

The premise is simple. During a murder investigation in Chinatown, we find out the only witness is a talking dog. Alright, it's one of those talking dog movies. But then they kick it up a notch. The dog knows karate. What we are left with is an hour and a half of pure gold. Everytime you think the dog's cornered, BOOM, roundhouse doggy kick. Oh no, how are you gonna save little Lisa? BOOM, flying drop kick. The dog knows karate people. When you read the title, you know what this movie is about, and you want to see it. There's no oh well maybe I'll watch a dog that knows karate. You either accept the fact that this dog is a black belt or you don't.

My review:
47/63

WORD SON

WHAT
WHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT
I have a new favorite movie of all time.
OF ALL TIME
It's a little film called Duma.
"Duma" is South African for "Cheetah that wears hats"
Let me tell you about Duma. Basically he's the worst motherf**ker to ever live. Sometimes he rolls with a gang. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he robs banks even when he doesn't need the cash. Sometimes he actually pretends to be sleeping up in a tree just to mess with the other animals in the plains and then he drops down and eats them without stopping to clean up. He doesn't recycle. He just leaves trash everywhere. He makes people buy him diamonds and then he sells them back for twice the price to the villagers. He trains for six months on Mt. Kilimanjaro and then uses his sheer strength to raise all of South Africa out of poverty. He becomes a born again Christian and sells his fur to keep the homeless off the streets.

I wrote a poem and dedicated it to Duma:

Duma, how can you be so cool?
The people...they see you...they know of you
They know you rob banks
Sometimes for fun
It's tough to be the chosen one
Duma
They call your name
Africa will never be the same
Roll on 20's Duma
Roll
Roll on 20's Duma
Roll
Use your Cheetah instincts
To hunt for diamonds
Bring the people home
Make this land our own
Duma

Craig T. Nelson, the true evolution of man

We should all take a moment out of our lives to pay respects to the man who is quite possibly the greatest human being to live; Craig T. Nelson. Star of Coach and master of the fire magics, Craig spends his days atop the frost ridden peaks of Mordor. He controls the seas with his telekenetic staff of the magistrate, and has a +10 modifier to Charisma. He attacks with 2d6 and has a charge attack that hits for 6d4. He is a 14th level humanoid.

The Undead, I Could Live Without Them...

There isn't a night I dont go to bed with garlic around my neck and a baseball bat in my hands. Why? Because of the undead. For years they've stayed dead, just taunting us with their decomposing bodies. Well i'm not falling for it. I don't buy it. They're just waiting. They're waiting till we all get nice and cozy and BOOM, they rise from the dead and bite our legs off. I've said it before and I'll say it again, we need to stop burying the dead, and start sending them into outerspace, where they must rely on their wits to survive...

Words of Wisdom

For that special day when you find that special balloon arrangement.
All the words my grandfather said to me.

"All the horses in the world couldn't save a million"

"Too many people never knew what could happen to a forgotten timepiece"

"The places you'll go never rival the place you might see"

"Only a stopped timepiece keeps the spirit alive"

"Use a timepiece always"

"When the last days are upon us and the aliens come to kill us all...remember your timepiece"

"The only way to clean a clock is to use your head...and a timepiece"

"The wandering cheetah uses only so many claws...but he always carries a timepiece"

"One too many drinks will make a man stumble...one too many laughs will make a man's timepiece"

"Finding out the difference between courage and trust means years of patience and understanding what a man makes of himself when he discovers what lies inside his heart...and his timepiece."

Cinco de...eh

So today is Cinco de Mayo...I guess this is some sort of holiday. Let's all ask ourselves right now...what is this holiday about? Do you think that the millions of drunk party people in the house know what they're getting crunk for? I mean...yeah it's something spanish obviously. So maybe it's some sort of spanish day to celebrate. Like Kwanza...wait that's not spanish. I mean like...that other spanish day...you know the one with the maracas and the dancing...I mean they all have that don't they? Well anyway the point of this day the Cinco de Mayo (5th of May) is to celebrate some mexican soldiers defeating some French soldiers in battle. I'm not going into detail here because let's face it...no one cares. This day is not celebrating the independence of Mexico and it has nothing to do with the United States. And it's interesting how the Mexican neighbors living in poverty and shacks are pushed out by this country and kept in poverty but yet...I mean...let's celebrate! I mean who cares anyway! It's not like I'm Mexican! pass me another Captain Morgan...I'm gon' get me torrrnnnnn up!
I guess the point is when we're all drunk...everybody wins...including Mexican soldiers.

DIVORCED

So...yesterday...I got a divorce again...for like the seventh time. I mean...I don't try to get so many of them. They just happen. They're such a pain in the ass too. It's like...first you have to split up the property...then the money...then there's all the paperwork. I'm really hoping this is my last one. The last time I had a divorce was three years ago and that one was hell. There was all the yelling and boating accidents and people shouting "Go FASTER!" I was like, "I'm trying to go faster but I need more power!" Then the whales came out of no where and we hit them and our catamaran tipped over and we lost the race. After that I lost pretty much everything in the divorce. This new divorce was all about which tv channel didn't get watched...who didn't get enough Desperate Housewives deluxe edition scrabble boards...who didn't get enough midnight sessions of Charmed. One thing led to another...tv's were burned...housewives were desperate...and next thing I knew I was divorcing...hard.
I guess if there's one thing we can all learn from divorce it's that people don't hurt people...networks hurt them...whales who come up for air when you're in the final stretch hurt them...and most of all...not realizing that maybe you don't need that extra Subway sandwhich in the middle of nuptials...uh...hurts...them.
Thank you, and remember, if the women don't find you handsome...there's always next year's Oryx Quest in Qatar.

Shut up... You had me at Nebulon Ra-5

Water. It has been our greatest ally for years. Man, much like a fish, requires water to live. However, a vile corruption has been tainting the seas for far too long.

Sharks.

With their massive body's and 3000 teeth, they think they own the seas. They kill anything they sea and are attracted to the scent of blood. They hunt twenty four hours a day and travel in packs.

Or is that just what they want you to think?

The fact is that sharks are aliens, pure and simple. They landed in their shark craft Nebulon Ra-5 over 50 millenia ago and have been harvesting the souls of their prey to help conjure Ner-Zulgor, the fallen titan warlock prince from the dark ages.

If a shark eats you, don't blame the water, its not its fault. Blame Ner-Zulgor and his unending taste for flesh. Blame him...

I'm back

I took a hiatus from writing and let my good buddy and chief editor Kief Rockchild Dragonheart take over my daily shifts. The result has been an endless stream of good times and great oldies. In other news...I thought it'd be a good time to post some new movie reviews. Hence the "movie revue" pic.

Review of Elizabethtown: I just saw this movie a few minutes ago so I'm still a little fresh off it. It hasn't really sunk in to the depths I think it will reach by the time I go to bed. In the meantime, I can say this...Elizabethtown is a real place and not a character in the movie. And as much as you would think a movie with the name "Elizabethtown" would be about a girl named Elizabeth...it's more so about long trips down dirt roads and finding the right airline. I think there's some gunfights thrown in. Although that could have just been the half hour I fell into a trance and had nam flashbacks...I warn you that this movie may cause those...a lot. And it will also throw a lot of mix cd's at you. So much so that you may find yourself thinking you're not watching a movie but standing in a Virgin Records store at a listening booth. C plus D = F

Silent Hill: Well here's a shocker. Again, a film with a deceiving title. I was expecting a lot of silent things on a hill. Instead I got a lot of running...a lot of screaming...a lot of dead baby zombies...a man with a triangle for a head who rips people's skin off...buildings falling down...ash raining from the sky...witch hunters...more running...excessive flashlight use...and people who don't know how to speak lines off without sounding like they're reading off items at a checkout counter. Silent Hill did have its' own undeniable charm, though. The part with Jimmy Fallon dancing was kind of funny...you know that part when he dances with the girl in the city? What? That's not Silent Hill? What movie was that in? It's a commercial? ...sigh...ok fine-F

Fun with Dick and Jane: Well I'd like to pretend this movie is a comedy. It's not. It's a sad, sad story about a family that loses their homes and their jobs because of outsourcing of American jobs. I learned a lot about the economy though. I will give it points for its' educational value. Let's see...also it has lawns...that's a plus...and running...never too much of that in a movie. So I'll be fair. D+J=...F+

V for Vendetta: OK FINALLY...here's a movie that deserves more than a F. I mean...it's got scary clown masks in it...that's cool. Let me break it down for you. V is kind of like a superhero. But he's a mixed up superhero. He likes to blow up buildings and kill police officers...I mean...he's a pretty good superhero. Then there's the batcave that he lives in. It's like a museum and he collects stuff and sells it on ebay. So not only does he blow up buildings and kill police officers...he's computer savvy, too. I mean this is my kind of superhero. He's also kind of a mutant...but kind of not...maybe he's really an animal? It's never really established but it's hinted at that he's actually a (WARNING EXTREME SPOILER COMING UP) secret agent harp seal who uses his flippers to build computers. But...they leave that open ended. In the end...a bunch of animals escape from the zoo and walk around the city. (OTHER MAJOR SPOILER ALERT) It's actually a prequel to the movie "Madagascar" and explains how the penguins got arrested and sent to the zoo in the first place. (They killed a man).
Final Score: Penguins 1 Humans 0=A+