DIVORCED

So...yesterday...I got a divorce again...for like the seventh time. I mean...I don't try to get so many of them. They just happen. They're such a pain in the ass too. It's like...first you have to split up the property...then the money...then there's all the paperwork. I'm really hoping this is my last one. The last time I had a divorce was three years ago and that one was hell. There was all the yelling and boating accidents and people shouting "Go FASTER!" I was like, "I'm trying to go faster but I need more power!" Then the whales came out of no where and we hit them and our catamaran tipped over and we lost the race. After that I lost pretty much everything in the divorce. This new divorce was all about which tv channel didn't get watched...who didn't get enough Desperate Housewives deluxe edition scrabble boards...who didn't get enough midnight sessions of Charmed. One thing led to another...tv's were burned...housewives were desperate...and next thing I knew I was divorcing...hard.
I guess if there's one thing we can all learn from divorce it's that people don't hurt people...networks hurt them...whales who come up for air when you're in the final stretch hurt them...and most of all...not realizing that maybe you don't need that extra Subway sandwhich in the middle of nuptials...uh...hurts...them.
Thank you, and remember, if the women don't find you handsome...there's always next year's Oryx Quest in Qatar.